Therapy

Therapy. File this one under #thingsthatscaretheshitoutofme. Heh, try to tweet that hashtag.

The reason I'm afraid of therapy is at the ripe young age of 18, when I was a freshman in college the first time, I was depressed. I was commuting to school, which meant that already shy me made NO friends what-so-ever. My friends that I did have were all spread out and "away" at college or living in the dorms at my school and I totally did not fit in. I started failing my classes and just being generally miserable all around. I went to my academic advisor and spoke with her about not doing well in any of my classes and she said that I should go to the counseling center and speak with one of the counselors there and that I should withdraw from all of my classes that semester.

I went to the counseling center, met the counselor, she gave me the suicide test (I guess I passed ), poured my heart out to this woman, told her everything that had been bothering me and she looked at me and said, “What do you want from me?” and I said, “I guess I need to to sign a form so I can withdraw” and she said, “You don’t need my signature for that you can do it at the registrar.”

So for the past 10 years, I’ve faced battling with depression a few times, un-medicated and untreated. It’s probably caused me some trouble that I didn’t need, but hey everything is a learning experience right?

However, faced with all of these infertility issues, as well as some other stuff that I haven’t ever dealt with properly, I finally bit the bullet and faced my fears and went to the faculty and staff assistance counselor.

She listened to me and was caring, and asked what I wanted to get out of our session. I wanted to get over my fear of therapy. She said I should see someone just to bounce ideas off of. Translation: yep, you’re crazy, go seek help. So I am. I have my first session tonight and I’m a little nervous. I hope I don’t end up locked up.

Are you there?

I know that I'm getting back on the blogging horse, but is anyone out there reading any of this?  Please leave me a comment even if it just says hi.  I will still keep talking to the empty universe if I don't get any, but it will just boost my ego and make me feel better if I get a comment.  :)

This week has been extremely rough, culminating on Monday, when I found out my 5th cycle of fertility meds was a failure.  Next month the plan is to take Femara, but pretty much go unmonitored, and give all of you who say "it'll happen when you least expect it" a chance to be proven right.  I'm sorry I don't have much faith in you, I'd rather see the follicles growing and know that they are going to release eggs.  I'm going to give it a shot though.

The One That I Tell You Too Much

I'm going to pretend that I actually have a reader left and assume you've also been reading my occasional tweets and maybe you even know me IRL and have seen my facebook.  I think I may have even explained PCOS once or twice here on this very blog.  If this is the case, then you know that I'm going through a bit of a battle with the goddess of fertility. 

Here's the basic jist of how things go once I figured out I just couldn't get drunk and laid and knocked up one crazy night:

• I know I can't get pregnant normal, so as soon as we are married, I/we stop using all protection (for a little under 2 years) 
• I found a good doc who just so happens to be located 1.5 hours away in Cincinnati.  A pain in the ass, but worth it if all this works.
• The doctor put me on a treatment for the PCOS, diet, exercise, and Metformin.  Metformin is a diabetes drug, and I've actually had to fend off the CareAllies of my insurance company with a stick to prove to them I'm not actually a diabetic.  Yet.  She (in this case) hoped that I would get a regular cycle back with the Metformin. 
• When my cycle didn't come back normally, she asked me if I wanted to have kids.  I debated it with my husband and we decided to go ahead and do the regular genetic testing that everyone gets done but wait until summer to start trying with fertility meds.
• Around Thanksgiving, I decided I didn't want to wait that long, I wanted to get the show on the road.  My step-sister finds out she is 20, not married and pregnant.
• I try to see a ob/gyn up here but she tells me a week before I'm ready to start Clomid that I can't start it because my testosterone is too high.  See definition for PCOS.
• In March, I start my first round of low dose 50 mg Clomid. I start peeing on sticks relgiously.  I get a cycle day 14 ultrasound.  I have one follicle greater than 20mm(going to ovulate).  I pee on another stick.  It's negative.
• In April, I try 100mg of Clomid, hoping to produce two follicles.  I produce none.  I am crushed.
• I make my husband get tested.  He is normal.  Of course.
• In May, I switch to a different drug Femara 7.5mg, a pretty high dose. I have two follicles and decide to do an HCG trigger shot and intrauterine insemination (IUI). It's negative.
• I have an HSG test done to make sure my fallopian tubes are open.  They are.
• In June, I stay with the same dose, just went for my CD14 ultrasound yesterday and I have two follicles.  My second IUI is tomorrow. *fingers crossed*

I guess I just grossly underestimated how HARD this was going to be.  There is so much to think about, test, explain, and be concerned with.  And there are so many people to get annoyed with when they say, it will happen when you least expect it....or it will happen when you stop trying.  That could very well be the case, but I don't know about you, I get EXHAUSED just reading all of those bullet points.  Trying living the life people. Really. 

I'm sure that I'm learning valuable lessons in this situation, but I just feel like I'm falling and no one is going to be there to catch me.  This on top of the everyday stressors is about enough to make anyone crack, and do you want to know the best part?  I'm not supposed to DRINK.  Seriously? How do they expect me to get through all of this unmedicated?  Argh.  So please forgive me if my blogs or tweets are just way TMI.  I need an outlet and Internet, you've never failed me yet.

I wish I knew of a better way to navigate the infertility jungle, but right now, I'm just clinging to a vine and trying to stay positive and not fall off.